ptsd...

...this was my view a year ago...

...one of the saddest things i have ever seen/had to do...

{plus i was really hormonal...it taints things a little...but they seem so real at the time...}

...this is what i wrote in Charlie's journal...

So, the day we were to go home, 11 March, they told me that you were jaundice.  

I could tell.  

You were looking a bit red instead of pink and that is a sure sign.  Matilda was jaundiced a bit too.  It went away on it's own...I'm sure yours would have to.

I was so sad.  They wanted to keep you in an isolet under the bili-lights.  I just didn't know enough about jaundice to make a good decision, so your Dad and I decided that we would go ahead with the treatment and trust the doctors.  

Unfortunately they discovered this on the day of our discharge, so I had to be discharged and then leave you there to have your treatment.  

I. was. a. mess!!

You can ask your father.  

I just plopped on the bed and started sobbing!  I just couldn't leave my sweet little newborn there without me.  I think the nurses felt bad for me because they said we could stay in the room until it was needed....which wasn't very long.  Luckily they had a room that was out of use due to a broken bed...so they set me up in there with you in this glowing blue isolet.  

The only time I could take you out was to nurse you.  It was horrible!  You hated it in there.  You just cried and cried and cried.  I knew you just wanted to be held.  So, I nursed you a ton.  They had a little bili-blanket that we could take out and hold around you while I nursed you.  That was probably the best invention...you were in it a lot!  

You didn't even want your pacifier.  I truly think that is where your dislike for them began.  You never wanted one after.  

What a trauma!  But we were in it together.  

I just kept sticking my hands in there and rubbing you and singing to you.  That is how we made it through.  

It was a rough night!  

I didn't sleep at all.

You cried yourself hoarse.  It was really sad!  I cried right along with you.  It really reminded me of the relationship with our Heavenly Father.  He can only help us so much...then it is up to us to do the rest.  

The nurses did try to help you be cozy and happy.  They made you a little nest out of blankets and tried to keep you happy too... it was a tough job.  Plus you hated the eye mask that you had to wear.  You would get so mad and just rip it off.  How could you do that?  You were only 2 days old.  And so strong!  You would just kick and push until you got what you wanted.  

You still love to sleep in your little nest in your crib...it is so funny and interesting.  And the only thing that soothes you is being held...the nest...and a bottle.  And you still just push and kick and plow through to get to what you want.

Some things don't change!

The next morning we got the all clear to go home.  Hooray!  

I was so happy to leave that hospital!  Seriously!  It seems that I can't get away with just a two day stay...they want me for the whole week each time...

I remember feeling such joy looking at you on the ride home.  I knew that you were going to be okay once we got you home.  You needed to be there with your people.  We all did.  

We were all so happy to finally be able to be under the same roof and be together...a family of five.